I’ve been in a bit of a funk this week. 10 days ago was Mum’s birthday, she would have been 55. I wanted to go visit her, well her little plaque in the rose garden at Woronora anyway. I wasn’t feeling so good so we didn’t go. I think I may be regretting it a little now.
Seeing the horrific tragedy unfold in Norway and the public displays of grief stirs in me how much I miss my own Mum. I also miss Mum a lot when thinking about the future. I keep thinking “Mum should be here”. It’s like saying “it’s not fair” as a child when you don’t get your own way. I know it doesn’t change anything, I know I won’t get my own way. I know Mum won’t be there on those special days. Or will she?
I realised today that the problem was not that Mum is no longer living, it was that I had lost sight that Mum was more than just the body she inhabited. She was a soul, a spirit, and that spirit is one that does not die. It is her eternal being, it is the presence I feel over my shoulder, it is the warmth I feel when people say “your Mum would be proud”.
Today I was feeling down, as usual I was trying to hide it, but I’m sure those around me knew I wasn’t quite myself. The week has been one of sleep deprivation and weird pains in the neck. (Literally). I’ve been irritable, negatively-focussed and actually somewhat depressed at times. I’ve felt lonely, even when I am now getting more social contact through TAFE then I was getting before. I’ve really been craving some time to myself to do whatever I like. At the moment it’s annoying because I haven’t been in the right headspace to do what I’d like, which is painting.
How is this all related to my business? Well it’s not – directly. But if my mental space is not right I can’t create from the place of peace and happiness that I want my business to be about. TAFE is not bad of itself but it is a step to a different reality, one in which (I expect) I will have less and less time in solitude. This is especially true if I want to have children in the future.
It took me a long time to get used to spending most of my time alone, I’m sure it will also take time to adjust to spending most of my time around others.
What I wanted most from Mum today was a hug. Of course I didn’t get a hug from Mum. But what I did get, within 5 minutes, and without asking, were hugs from another person who is quite special.